The Value of Time

"Time is not meant to be given, it is meant to be shared." 

This was the last line of the novel I finished reading this morning, The Gift by Cecelia Ahern. 

The shows the importance of spending time with people, friends and family close to you. Woven around Lou Sufferin, a businessman who is very busy to spend even a moment's time with his family without thinking of anything work related. 

Gabe, a homeless person who is given a job by Lou helps the latter realise the value of his family. He realises that his family means more to him than the job he works hard at or the promotion that he gets as a result. 

Having just finished it, I couldn't but agree with the last line. It got me thinking of the people around me with whom I need to spend more time with. Those who mean some thing, will be getting calls from me. :) 

New phone

weeeeee!! So I got myself a new phone. It's like a birthday present cum because-I-needed-a-new-phone purchase. I must admit, it's a huge feel good factor. :) 

While at it, I got the sibling one as well. It's nice when I see him happy. :) Shared happiness. 

Anyway, I have a few things I need to sort out about it. I have to get the micro-SIM and the apps and all sorted. It's a touch phone, running on Windows OS and I am rather new to the whole experience. But I love it! Must get myself accustomed to some of the features during the weekend. Plus, I can't wait to get all those awesome applications I couldn't get on my current Blackberry. 

Selfish writing

Just read a post on Jillinthebox90's blog about appreciating the little things in writing and enjoying the goodness it brings from it. She also talks about the feeling of 'right' the writing brings. So I am going to take it a step further, and talk about writing for oneself. 

Back in the day, I would be really affected by what others have to say about what I write. I would find the comments, the criticism personal. I suppose it's fine to call myself a writer. I mean I have been engaging in it since -like- when I was 8 years or so. 

Anyway, there was a point in my writing career that I realised that I am not writing to please anyone. I am writing to please myself. The writing was to either express my happiness, sadness, grief or -or some other feeling- or to cope with a situation. 

Once I came to this realisation, it didn't matter what other people had to say about what I wrote. Let's be honest here, I realised, my writing was selfishly to please myself. :) If by an odd chance someone else likes it, it's a win! I don't lose out on writing for myself, and if another person likes it, it's a bonus feeling. :) 

Compliments on one's writing is a whole different mind game. Say for instant, you feel good about something you've written AND get like a lot of good comments on it, I suppose this is when I can safely say I am on cloud number nine, with a huge grin on my face! 

So next time, don't take it too hard if I don't react to your negative criticism on my writing, because now you know I write for myself! 

Of cockroaches and spiders

So I don't like these insects, specifically. 

Yesterday, I had to encounter both. Not the kind of day you want to have, trust me on this! During the day at work, there was a cockroach running about and finally hiding somewhere. Then at night - at home - a huge ass spider decided to invade my peace of mind. The mere thought of it makes my heart beat a few beats faster! 

I get really scared by these two types of insects. It's embarrassing sometimes when you are out and there's a cockroach running about and you are trying very hard not to scream and panic. It's more embarrassing when you're at work. Creating a scene about one’s fears to your colleagues is probably not the best way to get about doing things. However, it is refreshing to know that there are other colleagues who don't like these insects themselves. 

I have doing a bit of reading on these two types of fears and found that the 'fear of cockroaches' has recently been named Katsaridaphobia. Quite a mouthful I'd say. We know the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. I guess when I read through the definitions of the phobias, I may not be phobic as such of the two, but I sure know I have a deep fear of the two types. For instance, I wouldn't not go on a trip just because there's a chance I'd come across a spider or cockroach. The traveler in me doesn't work like that. 

Don't know where I am going with this, but just wanted to share the thoughts. :) 

Here's hoping I don't encounter any cockroaches or spiders. Just thinking about those big nasty things creeps me out. I suppose I am more paranoid about how spider will fall on me or I'd reach to switch a light on and find a spider on the switch. I guess the spider's thing long legs creep me out the most. *shudder* 

World Suicide Prevention Day 2013

 

Today –September 10- is World Suicide Prevention Day. It is a day to create awareness about suicide. A day to bring suicide to people’s attention. A day to help those who are contemplating it. A day to help them overcome it.

Many countries have programmes to celebrate this day. Some are long term. Some are short term, very short term. It’s like there’s a lot of awareness via print and electronic advertisements on the day, but like all other things, it fades away once the day’s over. I’ve never seen a comprehensive plan in Sri Lanka which addresses mental health. I doubt I would ever come across one either.

I say this with experience.

Unlike other things that have a ‘special day’ of its own, things to do with mental health, don’t really go down well with most societies of the world, especially Sri Lanka. Suicide, depression, therapy etc are the elephants in the room no one wants to talk about, but know it’s there.

I say this, because I have been there.

I have been more than a little depressed since my teens and this has led me through some really dark times. So dark sometimes that I could not see the light or feel the warmth. I could not connect with people, my family or friends. I felt lost and alone. 

My only output for this was to write. I started using my writing, poetry as a method of catharsis to purge myself of these feelings. It does help, but not completely. Most of my friends who read my poems would ask me why my writing was so dark and cold in nature. I guess when I go back and read through them, they do come out as rather sinister. Sometimes, even the writing didn't help. All I would want to do is to curl up in a corner and wait. 

I won't deny that I haven't had suicidal thoughts. They have been more than a little frequent. So when I say I understand when someone's feeling depressed and suicidal, I really do mean it! People around me don't think I am the kind of person who's depressed or suicidal for that matter. When I spoke to doctors about it, they thought it was a joke. Some say, I am too rational to be suicidal. *sigh* If that's the professional advice they have to give, I really don't know where people are going to be! 

I say this, because I know there are many out there and among my friends who are depressed or having thoughts of suicide. People in general don't realise the gravity of it nor do those nearest and dearest to them.  

Anyway, what I want to say is, on a day like this, people should be made more aware of what an individual who is depressed or suicidal goes through. Make them empathise. 

Being aware of life

Each death makes us more acutely aware of life; of everything around us. Another person’s death makes us realize the life we have. We tend to appreciate it more.

 

This year alone, two of my friends passed away. There are no words to describe the hollow feeling you get in that area near your heart. For me, it’s like an endless pit. I am devoid of all feeling. Numbness takes over and I go cold. Numb and cold. It’s probably the shock. The inability to grasp what has happened. Or it’s maybe that I am refusing to comprehend the situation. I mean who wants to understand the death of a friend-right?
 

It’s not only these two friends’ funerals I have had to attend this year. Parents and grandparents of friends, my own relatives have passed away as well. But it’s always the death of a young person that hits you the most. By young I mean youthful as well as a person who’s not ‘old’-as we consider it, to die. It’s the fact that you know there’s more to their life; that they have a lot more to see, do and accomplish.
 

The death of someone your age –sigh- is a killer. It simply sucks all life out of you. At times you feel like you’re doing them wrong by being happy and living like nothing’s happened; that they didn’t die. Then again you feel like you owe them your life to live to the fullest, because you know that’s what they’d wish for you.
 

 

Last Friday, a friend of mine passed away. I don’t know under what circumstances, but he did. It just happened to be the day I had planned to dine with my friends as I had celebrated my birthday earlier that week. Having read about his demise –which by the way was viral on social media and news sites- celebrating my birthday, was the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to go home, sit curled up in a corner and think. Think about everything and nothing. Think about what an awesome person he was and the fact that for his age, he has accomplished a lot. I just wanted to think.
 

I don’t think I have dealt with all this even now, four days later. Guess I have just hid the feelings somewhere, hoping it won’t pop up. I do this, knowing there’s a huge possibility that it will return. These feelings of being betrayed by the life of someone so young and promising cut short.

 

Sigh. I don’t know where I am going with this. Just that I am trying to pour out these dark feelings twirling within me. Dark feelings that I don’t want to have.

RIP Ibrahim Mothana

 

I sit shocked. Unable to move, breathe or even understand, my friend Ibrahim Mothana's sudden death. I feel I have become a stone from within. I have definitely gone a few degrees colder, as I feel the room around me is like an ice land. 

 

I try not to panic. I think I am holding my breath in an attempt to not have a breakdown at work. :(

 

Things about this death-sudden at that- are unclear. He was only 24 years old. When I initially saw the news, I refused to believe it. Then as more friends spoke about it, I decided to find more details for myself. I Googled. I found to my horror that I was in denial for the past few hours, trying to block the horrifying thought that 'Ibu' as we fondly called him, has indeed left us for good. I came across a post by Afrah Nasser which mirrored what I am feeling right now. 

 

I honestly don't know what to believe. I don't. I am trying my head around how he died. The fact that he was very outspoken about the US involvement in Yemen is not consoling. He was vehemently against the US' use of drones in his country, Yemen. As an eloquent writer he would often express himself on why the use of drones was wrong.  Or that drones only served to promote terrorism. 

 

This is not how I remember Ibu. I met him three years back on a two month long youth programme called Ship for World Youth programme. We were on its 22nd edition, 22nd Ship for World Youth programme [SWY22]. I remember Ibu expressing himself on various topics, varying from the environment to children to education. He constantly drew examples from him mother country, Yemen. I remember him as a British Council Global Changemaker. I remember him telling me about the work he was doing with educating children in his country, on building libraries for them. 
 

I met him again, in New Delhi, India when he was there for another youth conference. I happened to be in the city on a training programme. I feel so relieved now that I went to meet him then, even though I was unfamiliar with the area. I guess you realise that every memory counts! 
 

Three years. It seems a short period to have known someone. Someone so great. He was so young and there was so much more for Ibu to do for Yemen and the world. He spoke for the voiceless. He dared -at a young age- to speak on things that others didn't. 

 

 

I want to end on a saying Ibu firmly believed in and practiced. 

Albert Pike: ‘What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal’.

 

I am sure, Ibrahim's family, friends and everyone who has crossed paths with him, will remember him in such great light, as a person who has done things for others. This memory will surely help us keep Ibrahim Mothana, immortal. 

 

In a meh mood

I.am.feeling.meh! Apparently nothing seems to workout with me when it comes to guys. So I just want to scribble things.

I jinxed. This I say at the of sounding cuckoo. *sigh* But I swear, almost every guy I like or crush a little just vanishes from my life. It's scary and more than a little depressing. I honestly don't understand.

People tell me I am awesome to be around. My friends know and keep assuring me that I am worth the wait. But honestly, WTF?! I mean don't I get to enjoy life like other normal beings?

Or this is life's way of saying that these guys aren't the best for me? Thereby taking them away from me and keeping me here. I am too depressed to think any further. What's more to happen eh? :/ gah! 

You keep me from work

Your smile creeps in to mind,
Your laughter fills the air.
It keeps me from work.

Your eyes speak to me, 
You see right through me. 
Your gaze has me hypnotised. 

My heart flutters with excitement. 
Meeting you gives me butterflies. 
I am impatient to spend time with you. 

My Yesterday

Besides being 'yesterday', it was one of my friend's weddings. My friend's friends, i.e. us, were in-charge of making her dream day run smoothly.

 

So that aside, a few things did happen that was amusing. One, I finally met this person I have heard so much about! From ages ago, since perhaps school days. It was refreshing to finally meet the person, people around me had to talk about. Must say requesting for dessert from the hotel saying it's for the 'bride' and eating it amongst three people with the said newly met person, was a lovely way of starting the friendship!

 

I was one those people walking around with a file, lots of schedules and seating plans, plus talking on the phone coordinating things-along with a bunch of others- at the wedding. For the first time in my life, I had random uncles and aunties saying 'hello', 'how are you?' etc. It was a very refreshing change. I mean generally people attending an event would ask you where to go, or where their seats are, once they figure out you know what's happening at the even. Being in PR, I sure was a happy person after those lovely greetings! :)

 

Making sure the decorations were all complete, helping the bride's mother, making sure the bridal retinue walks in on time, getting certain surprises going were some of the things I was tasked with. I tell you -even while being in PR- there's nothing more stressful that making sure a wedding goes well! Amidst all this hullabaloo, I had one lady come up to me prior to the wedding-I am guessing she was viewing the hall with the hotel staff-and ask me how I draped my saree! There I was making sure the throne area was completed with the relevant people and this person was trying to chat me up about draping sarees! She started off with how pretty the saree was and to who dressed me. When I said I dressed myself, she wanted to know if dressed people and how I found the 'style', if it was 'new'. [sigh] I honestly don't understand people like her! I mean there I was busy with wedding things and she wanted to have a discussion with me about sarees!

 

It truly is amazing what life brings your way, when you least expect it.

Overwhelmed

I was going through my emails a while back and I came across a random mail about sports scholarships. I was about to move on as there's nothing I could I do with a sports scholarship, I suddenly remembered one of Sri Lanka's foremost athlete's. Having had the opportunity to briefly work closely with the country's sportsmen and women I quickly searched to see whether I had his email address. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it. Luckily I had his number with me, so dialed him and explained that I needed his email to send him an email about a sports scholarship.

He was very surprised that I still had his contact number and more so that I would ring him up to give him details about a scholarship! During this conversation I ask him how he is and how his training is going. He said that everything's going well.

He then goes on to tell me something I had completely forgotten about. Without a pause he says 'thanks to you miss. My house is near completion.' For a moment, I forgot what he was talking about. He says he only has to complete the roof and then they can settle in. I was like 'wow! That's awesome! I am so happy for you!' Thereafter he proceeds to thank me for helping him at the initial stage, in getting all the necessary documents in order. I was extremely touched that he was thanking me for an effort so small and that remembered-when I clearly couldn't. Being the incompetent person I am in accepting compliments, I merely brushed him off saying it was nothing.

After hanging up, I had tears in my eyes. I was overwhelmed. I realised I had done something-something good-to get this person and his family a permanent roof over their heads. It was all the more emotional because he remembered.

I am simply speechless and unable to express myself beyond this narration of the incident.

Reconciliation in Sri Lanka

I attended my first Hindu wedding ceremony last weekend after travelling roughly 400km, north to Jaffna. It was my first time in the Northern Province of Sri Lanka, where a three decade long war was fought. The feeling in being able to travel to the north and seeing a part of the country I have never seen before was overwhelming. But that is left for another blog post. 

Everyone keeps talking about how so much needs to be done for the people in the North; the people who have come out of living their lives in the conflict zone. I agree there's lots to be done, naturally the area witnessed one of the most devastating wars at the time. I will not  go in to details of what happened during the war etc. 

What I want to cover here is what's going on now; the reconciliation process and the development process. We all know or rather are of the understanding that the Government of Sri Lanka along with other friendly nations and IGOs conducting projects in this region to develop it, from de-mining to developing infrastructure and the road network. This is to give the people there a chance to live a normal life. Leave what these organisations are doing there aside for a moment, there's more we, as citizens of this country can do to promote reconciliation. 

rec·on·cile

  [rek-uhn-sahyl]  verb, rec·on·ciled,rec·on·cil·ing.

verb (used with object)

1.

to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired: He was reconciled to his fate.

2.

to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable: to reconcile hostile persons.

3.

to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).

4.

to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent: to reconcile differing statements; to reconcile accounts.

5.

to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).

I think I've beat about the bush enough. Let me get back to the wedding story. :) So at this wedding-my first Hindu wedding- I learned a lot just by being a guest. 

Seated in our designated seats, my friends and I observed the customary rituals. We were in awe at some of the practices. I have to be honest, we did feel a little self-conscious for the obvious reason that we were the only ones alien there. Alien in the sense that we were sort of foreign; not from the Northern Province or the Tamil ethnicity. My batchmates, lecturers and I were given special treatment. Needless to say this heightened our presence there while making us feel special. 

Another thing that caught my attention was that my friend's family and everyone else who was present there was unsure as to how to respond to us. It was like they were not accustomed to non-Tamils being present at their functions. However, I saw the appreciation in their faces. Appreciation that a group of Sinhalese friends of the groom had traveled to be a part of the couple's special day. I saw understanding. Understanding that Sinhalese and Tamils are not against each other as some times portrayed. I guess this was because majority of the bride's side where diaspora Tamils so they probably had a tainted view of the Sinhalese. I am sure they were trying to wrap their heads around our presence there. 

I felt it was a start on my part-our part- in reconciling. We had giving an important message on this auspicious day and formed a bridge of friendship between the two communities. In my personal capacity, I felt that I had been a part of a major transformation. I believe it is little things like this that can help patch the gap between the two communities. 

My take-a-ways from this experience is that all of us as individuals have a larger role to play in the path to positive peace in this country. I am sure, if we can all play even a small part like this, the memories and the feelings that are generated by the experience will erase any animosity towards the other community. 

I know it wasn't a big thing we did. But having experienced that moment, I felt peace, and complete understanding between the communities is possible. We only have to try a   little harder. :)  

Moving on

Today is the 24th of July, a day which is significant in the history of this country. Many from the older generation and the present younger generation have bitter memories of this specific moment in history. However, my intention isn't to write about this incident. What made me write this post was coming across discussions on Facebook with reference to this particular incident. 

Having said that, it me think that harbouring ill feelings towards people simply because you have had to face bitter moments due to certain events in the history of this country, is just not done; I feel. Having these negative feelings makes one unhappy and bitter. It really doesn't do any good and I was able to see this for myself when I was reading those discussions. It had me thinking. 

It made me realise that people just keep thinking of the past and make themselves unhappy reminiscing these incidents. At the risk of sounding like a cold, unemotional person, I tell you, move on! There's nothing good that's going to come out of thinking of the harrowing incidents of the past. One must learn to put it behind, where it is should stay and move on. Walk towards the future. 

Actions from the past doesn't necessarily define the future. Nothing positive will come out of acting on those bitter memories. One must learn to forgive the past incidents. Don't get me wrong here. I am not saying to forget what happened. Remember it, so that in that remembrance such an incident will not reoccur. 

My take-away for you from this post is:

Remember, sometimes you have to learn to forgive what happened  in the past, if you want to move forward. It's not that you have to forget what happened, just strive to  make peace and create a better not bitter atmosphere for the future. 

Things to do before your 30

I just came across a blog post that spoke of doing things you have always wanted to do, and that too, before you hit 30.[It can be any specific age, really.]

It basically gives a list of 30 possible things one can do, before one hits the big 30. It made me realise, that there are quite a few things that I too would like to do before I hit 30. Looks like I have a head start on this one. :)

So I am going to list a few things here, that I'd love to do before I am 30. I must warn ye, I have been inspired. 

• To travel to all the continents as I love travelling and experiencing different cultures
• Go watch a movie alone [I'm a little meh about going alone.]
• Go on a road trip alone
• Learn a new language/s
• Get more piercings
• Try to get my dream educational accomplishment sorted [I say this at the risk of sounding too ambitious]
• Make a considerable donation to an animal welfare organisation
• Travel the whole of Sri Lanka
• Bungee jump, sky-dive and go on an air balloon
• Have a place for myself and do it up
• Draw the family tree covering both sides of my very large family
• Have a few publications under my name
• Learn to dance, properly :P
• Read more classics & listen to more classical music
• Go to an opera
• Go to an international band concert 

Untitled

If not for the carols I sing
There would be no music in my heart.
The memories that I wish to bring
Dig up and keep alive, are in the dark.

The knives, the scissors,
They cut.
They damage.
They make one bleed.

In the black pit, it is dark.
The sun is behind a screen,
Not to be seen.

I am not their child

My mouth, I open to speak
But the words fall on ears, deaf.
Words come out of their own,
I'm silenced.

Look I do, hopeful
Hoping to catch an eye.
Invisible I am to see.
I cry.

Hurt they do not see,
Words they do not hear.
I do not exist to them.
I am not their child.

A Poem to Uncle Gabo

Can't believe a year's gone
Since you have stopped being with us.
But I can't help sneeking a glance
At the corner chair in which you were the king.

Those days I'd walk in to the hall with the TV bright
And have a chat about the match being played.
Today I walk and see it blank,
Without a colour, nothing but black.

I miss the little chats we had.
They weren't long or deep,
But always just the right words
To put a smile on my face.

Looking back I can't help but remember You always did take the windows!
Guess windows were your spot
And I guess that's how I'll remember you.

As a kid, I was in awe of the drums,
the guitars and the pianos played.
Nor forget the yummy food you'd order for us.

I don't always remember you as a jovial being.
But also as the person who would sometimes discipline your kids.
By god, was I not terrified of you then!
A slipper in hand, shouting one of their names!

I'd always wonder where you got your high spirits and energy
To be so easy going and care-free.
I wish you are as charming a person wherever you are,
And continue to be in such good spirits.

Miss you uncle. :(

Life is brief

I sat down at the pc to get some reading done. Having come back home after attending the funeral of a school friend, I couldn't bring myself to concentrate. My heart's heavy and eyes fog with tears every time I think of her. 

Life is unsure. 

If I have learned anything over the weekend, it is that life is full of its shocks and untimely surprises. The passing away of my friend in an untimely manner is one. 

Life is brief. 

We don't know till when or how we will live our lives. So it's best to live our lives in a way we don't have to regret. Be it a phone call, a letter or a email to a friend. Or a simple smile or hug. Appreciate those who help you make it through the day, for one knows not when it is time to say goodbye. 

I leave you with Tennessee Williams's words; "life is all memory except for the one present moment that goes by so quick you can hardly catch it going." 

Dedicated to my friend Chekila, who left us in an untimely manner. You will be missed and your laughter will continue to echo in our ears and leave a space that cannot be filled.