I am grateful for 2019 because...

A friend of mine recently started this initiative to privately tell a bunch of people about our achievements for 2019. It was simply titled "I am proud of myself because... " Having written down a list, I realised I have accomplished a lot this year, and that I have so much to be grateful for. This is why I am instead, renaming this post as 'I am grateful for 2019 because...'

Here's an extended version of what I shared on that group:

1. For my family and close group of friends. 
2. For my doggie's constant presence in my life, helping me through the difficult times in my life.
3. I have become more patient and understanding. 
4. I am more laid back. 
5. I healed from a spinal injury within a year. 
6. I am slowly but surely getting back to achieving my fitness goals.
7. I am saying 'no', to anything that isn't good for my physical and emotional health. 
8. I represented Sri Lanka twice within the calender year. 
9. I have been recognised for my academic achievements. 
10. I have submitted my research work according to my personal deadlines. 
11. I have published a lot this year, both professionally and creatively (like the poetry on this blog). 
12. I visited two new countries within the year. (My personal goal is to travel to one new country each year.) 
13. I recognised my self-worth. 
14. I embraced my inner-self and am enjoying my solitude. 
15. I am fortunate to have met three elementry school friends after 21 years!
16. I am healing and letting go of my past. 
17. I have made new connections and some who have become good friends. 
18. Of the opportunities that came my way and the professional exposure I have got this year!
19. I realised I am lucky and blessed!
20. For my colleagues who have been very supportive of me.

Wouldn't you agree that it's quite the list now? :) 

December feelings

Why do I feel this way, 

My heart sinking low? 

I see them hands entwined 

And wonder, where you are so. 

I hear the laughter and the cheers, 

Missing the merry merth myself. 

I look around at the joyous faces

And wish I felt equally so. 

Singing, dancing, worlds colliding, 

I wonder when mine will be.

I miss the days when I was one, 

One with happiness and glee. 

- Robes of a Muse

The Mask

His eyes sparkelled

But the tears were welling up

About to spill over, like a cascade. 

He smiled bright, pearly whites shinning. 

But within, his heart ached, 

It weighed. 

He didn't show his sadness, 

Or his troubles, 

But wore a brave face and travelled
Speading his wings wide 
In the direction of the wind.

He hugged the world, 
And held on tight to the memories

For his love wasn't there to hug him. 

- Robes of a Muse

Last breath

Choked. 

Unable to breathe. 

Hands tighten around the throat. 

Suffocation. 

Tears dripping down the face. 

Flood gates open. 

Chaos. 

The head hurts. 

It throbs and bursts. 

Silence. 

It consumes the space. 

- Robes of a Muse 

In the still of the night

In the still of the night
I watch Venus bright,
And hear the plane's flight.
I see the clouds flow
And the stars that glow.
I hear a baby's cry
And a dog's bark,
But within,
I don't make a sound.
I smile to myself,
For I realise,
I finally found my ground.

- Robes of a Muse

An Ode to You

As I walk through life
And talk to my friends
I realise I want you
To have the best in life.
As sad as I may be
To not have you near me
I know I want you to experience life.
Even though I miss our chats
And the craziness within our hats,
I know you should be free
To roam this planet earth.
I know each time
I reminisce about us,
I am left with sweet and fond memories,
And a heart full of love.
So I hope you live your life
And experience the best
And tell me when,
We meet again in another life.
                                           - Robes of a Muse

Best for Me

Now it's time to do what's best for me,
Because all this time,
I was thinking of others,
But myself.
Starting today,
And every single day to come,
I'll put myself first.
So that I am a better
And improved version of myself.
I'm doing what's best for me,
Because I am the only one
Who can look out for me.
And the one who ought to do so,
No matter what.
It's time to do what's best for me,
Because I'll be letting myself down,
If not.
I'm doing what's best for me,
Because I am all that I have.

- Robes of a Muse

A wave of nostalgia

It hits you when you least expect it,
The wave of nostalgia, that is. 
It rolls in your stomach 
And weighs on your heart.
Permitting fleeting memories 
To fly by in your mind's eye.
It makes you miss things,
People, situations and everything in between.
Even when you know they didn't serve you well. 
You miss it,
'coz it hits you,
In the faintest possible way. 
Nostalgic moments in language,
When you flip the page of a book or a note.
But it definitely hits you
When you least expect it. 

- Robes of a Muse 

Realisation

There is a reason why
We are told,
The tortoise ran the race slowly.
It's a metaphor of life,
This race.
And life is meant to be lived,
Experienced and enjoyed slowly.
Leisurely.
It is meant to be appreciated,
Not rushed.
Like the rabbit,
Who ran the race.
A high speed life does not befit one.
For you don't learn and grow.
You merely survive, from day to day.
Just live,
Barely scratching the surface.
To truly experience life,
You must live it.
Delve deep into it,
And appreciate it slowly.
Like you would, a nice glass of wine.

- Robes of a Muse

Today

Today.
Today is the beginning of tomorrow,
Of the future to come.
And the end of yesterday,
The past, the history
And the miles I walked.
Today is a beautiful day
Full of potential.
The blue skies greet me,
Acknowledging my thoughts.
Today, is the present.
The day when wonders
Begin to come alight.
Today.

- Robes of a Muse

Enveloped

A dark cloud enveloped me,
It was sudden and swift.
My pleasant mood didn't have a chance.
It died, a very quick death.
It weighed down in my gut.
The taste of metal,
Left on my tongue.
It pulled at my heart,
Taking me,
Drowning my happiness,
Hook, line and sinker.
The lightness in me evaporated.
I weighed,
A few tonnes, I felt.
It's sickening, I thought.
What a simple memory,
A moment of truth, can do to you.

- Robes of a Muse

One day...

One day you will look back on life,
Maybe as you reminisce in your old age,
Or as you await death,
When you are frail.
On that day,
You will think of me,
And marvel at the love you lost,
The love you so foolishly discarded.
So today, I will smile
Knowing, you are making a big mistake
But happy, that I am ready,
For a better and greater love.

- Robes of a Muse

The Wish

If you see this,
I hope you know
I wanted the best
For the both of us.
I wish we could have
Said goodbye,
Not hiding,
And definitely not vanishing.
I wish,
You would have been honest,
Taking time,
To tell me what you feel.
I feel betrayed
By what you are doing.
But I wish you
Nothing but the best.

- Robes of a Muse

Glitch

If one person gives
And the other always takes,
One will get hurt,
And you can guess which.
It's a recipe for disaster,
For it's not without a glitch.
They need to meet in the middle,
In between their two worlds.
Compromise is the word for that,
And there is no way around it.
Effort is what is put,
When you are clear about your intentions.
Let the other know for sure,
Without dancing around the bush.

- Robes of a Muse

Love is....

Love is effortless,
Some say.
But they are wrong,
I differ, by the way.
It's not always
Rainbows and butterflies,
But the daily grind
And pulling the weight.
Love is not instantaneous,
It's by far from that.
It's about being there for the other,
Through the struggles,
Taking the risk,
Even on matters of the heart.
Building and encouraging each other,
Some times being their faith and hope,
But also their most kind critic.
Love, is many things.
But I know, for me,
It's what you make me feel.
A better person, each and every day.

- Robes of a Muse

Rain

Much needed rain,
At the wrong time of the day,
Seeking solace,
By telling us what it has to say.
Are you crying for the present
Or the future, that's still at bay?

- Robes of a Muse

Seeing you

I hoped to see you soon,
But that would lead to expectation,
And end up hurting me.
So I thought of Elton John,
When he sang "somewhere out of the blue",
Because that's what my life sounded like.
Me wandering around town thinking,
"I'll turn and I'll see you."
Or maybe the reverse.
My hope of seeing you is too strong
That I no longer want to socialise
Because that would increase my chances of
Seeing you around.
Hope, expectation, disappointment.
Looks like they are a trio teaching me about life with you.

- Robes of a Muse

How do you miss someone you know?

How do you miss someone you know?
Is it their physical presence that we seek,
Or their heart and soul?
Why do we like to hear another's voice?
Is it because it helps bridge the gap
Dividing, putting distance between people?
How do you miss someone that's in your life?
Is it because they are half way in or
Because you know you want to give them more space?
So, how do we know when we miss someone?
Is it when our heart aches to be near them,
Lay in their embrace, seeking comfort in their scent?
I wonder, how we know when we miss someone...

- Robes of a Muse

A Memory, Slipping Away

With each passing day
The contours of your face become hazy,
Less prominent
And fade away.
I can't seem to remember how your lips
Curled at the edges when you smiled,
Or when your eyes sparkled with glee.
I feel it, but the picture in my mind
Slowly fades away,
A memory, slipping from my mind.

- Robes of a Muse

Flowing in the Sansarik journey

Our lives flow in this Sansarik chakra,
I know of this.
Reminiscing old memories and living in the past is unhealthy,
I know this.
I am merely trying to keep afloat,
Not drowning in the deep dark waters that invite me, seduce me.

I do look to the future,
Bright and happy,
Welcoming the immense possibilities ahead of me.
I know this.
I know my mind holds the key,
That my abilities and my youthfulness
Provide me with the stepping stone for this journey.

All this I know and am aware of.
You are right,
There is pain in the pleasure.
Like you, I endure this,
As I tread on my sansarik journey.

- Robes of a Muse

And it strikes!

And it strikes!
I'm trying to find meaning,
Watching the birds that fly,
Staring at sunrises over the horizon
Feeling the wind blow softly, across my face.

Grateful,
That's what I feel each waking day,
Knowing that I'm lucky to be here,
Able to live another day.

Meaning,
I try to find, in the people I meet,
The conversations I have,
And in each day I live.
Wondering, what all this means.

Heavy,
That's what my soul feels.
Tired of this daily grind,
Being stored away at home,
Not living my life.

And slowly it sets in,
Spreading over my body like a kanker,
Engulfing me, shutting my bodily light.
I'm drowning.
I'm drowning, unable to swim against the tide.
I'm drowning, as it slowly sets in.

- Robes of a Muse

I am that girl

I am the girl who climbed mountains,
Trekked endlessly
And ran outdoors.
I am the girl who was adventurous,
Full of life,
Catching the train to go to the next destination.
But now, I'm the girl who lies flat on her tummy,
Stroking her doggie's belly,
Because her spine cannot handle her energy.
I'm the girl who now sits at her window
Watching the clouds go by,
Because her spirit is slowly dying.
I have now become the girl
Who happily reminisces her past,
Remembering the energy and spirit within her.

What do you do?

What do you do when you no longer care,
Whether it rains or shines,
Or the land is bare?
What happens when you stop wondering whether the birds will fly,
The squirrels chirp or the cows moo?
Similar are the feelings, when people move,
Miles distancing their smiles and their faces fade.
You look back and smile,
Reminiscing the memories,
You look around after a while and keep walking.
Such is life, when things that mattered once,
Don't seem as important.
The clock ticks, the sun sets and the moon is high again.
So you start walking, in the direction of life
Because that is all you know to do.

- Robes of a Muse

යළිත් හමුව‌න බලාප‌ොර‌ොත්තුව‌ෙන්...

මා වටපිට බලනා සෑම ම‌ොහ‌ොතක දීම,
දකින්න‌ෙ ඔබ‌ෙ රුවයි.
මා අවට දැන‌ෙනා සිසිලස ද
ඔබ‌ෙ සුවදයි.
මග‌ෙ සිහින ද ඔබ සතුයි,
එහි කුමරා ද ඔබයි.
මා ක‌ෙ‌ස‌ේ ද ‌මේ බව ඔබට පවසන්න‌ෙ? දන්වන්න‌ෙ?
ජීවිතය නම් වූ මේ අඩිපාර‌ෙ මා තනිව ගමන් කරනවා,
කවදා හ‌ෝ යළිත් ඔබව හමුව‌න බලාප‌ොර‌ොත්තුව‌ෙන්. 

- Robes of a Muse

Oh! I wish I had the answers...

My heart came alive,
As I felt emotions I hadn't felt in a while,
My mind started working at 100km/h
Imagination running wild!
You have an effect on me,
But I don't know how.
I see us in the future,
Yet, I hesitate about today.
Do I wait for you,
Glancing over my shoulder?
Or should I cross the Amazon,
Into the rich wilderness,
That awaits me on the otherside?
Will you walk with me awhile longer
Or should we part ways now?
Oh! I wish I had the answers...
I look up at the sky, 
Praying to the moon I see.
I hope you hear my prayers, 
And remember me, whilst we wait under these same skies.

- Robes of a Muse

Magic Spell

You awakened feelings in me
Ignited a fire within me
I didn't know you drew a match
Or how you changed the watch.

What's this magic spell,
you have put on me?
For I feel like I'm in hell,
When I am not with ye.

Do these clouds feel me?
For they seem to cry for me.
Tell me love, will you be
My one and only reassuring key?

A Second Chance?

"How do you lose the one you love?
After giving it all, you gave it up"
Said the men from Westlife, 
About a love somone lost or had to let go of. 

True to their word,
"Lately, I've been missing you like crazy."
Tell me, how do I let these feelings board?
'Coz life has once again becoming very hazy. 

I don't know if you feel the same though,
But the raw sentiments do seem to flow.
I only hope you will let it show,
So that our love can once again glow. 

I don't know if we have a second chance,
I guess I am too afraid to hope. 
This time I know I will be slow in showing my stance,
Because these feelings are a little too intense to cope.

Silly things we do

We are perfectly imperfect,
You and I. 
We have established that, 
In a thousand words or so. 

We smile alone,
At the little things we do.
Not wanting to tell the other
That we miss them so.

Silly things we do to bid time.
Hoping one day, we will be fine,
Finding each other 
Back in our perfectly imperfect world. 

You and I

We spoke the same words,
You and I.
But in two different languages,
We didn't understand each other. 

We shared similar feelings
But we expressed them diffently.
We felt emotions,
But didn't know what to do with them.

We liked similar things,
You and I.
But we chose to remain strangers
Coz we didn't meet in the middle. 

You and I,
We continue to vibe at two elevations,
We feel equally
But in our own unique ways. 

Don't make someone fall in love with you...

A week or so ago, I came across this video by Jay Shetty called 'If you fall in love Too Fast' and as always, Shetty makes sense. But, something in particular that Shetty said, struck a cord. The following is the quote that made a lot of sense to me:

"Don't make someone fall in love with you, if you don't know how to love them."

Personally, I thought this was a refreshing perspective to everything that's been said. Almost always, people point fingers at the one getting hurt, saying they did this or that wrong. Whilst it's perfectly fine and also important to improve one's weaknesses and control feelings, it's also equally important to turn the tables and see what's causing these people to feel and act this way. Surely, one doesn't fall in love with another on their own accord. There's another person to the equation that's fuelling these feelings. 

So, I applaud Shetty for taking a moment to acknowledge this in a video he is telling people to becareful with their feelings, as he is also telling the 'other person', not to use someone else. 

Let's focus a little more on this. I have come across a variety of instances where relationships of all types, from marriages to couples in committed relationships fall apart. I have also seen quite a few personalities online talking about relationships in the 21st century. Even my friends and I discuss about dating in the modern era, where things seem to have changed. People's wants and needs, how they perceive relationships etc. seem to have changed. 

It appears a significant population seem to want fleeting connections and it appears to be an increasing trend. The casual connections and relationships seem to be the new 'in' thing, where interactions are maintained only on the surface. They seek instant gratification. But I am here to talk about this quotation, "Don't make someone fall in love with you, if you don't know how to love them."

This is important, because you could either intentionally or unintentionally make someone fall in love with you, especially if you are not seeking that kind of love. In which case, you need to see whether you really want a committment and whether you are capable of loving someone in return.

The interesting aspect of this quote is that it draws our attention to how we feel in a relationship and what we want from it. For example, it tells people that they should not lead another on, if they are not going to respect the other person's feelings. It speaks of respect, volumes of it. And, it is important to respect one another in a relationship. 

It's brutal to lead a person on, indicating that you care about them, when in fact, you are either unsure about what you want in the said relationship or whether you want to be in a relationship at all. It's brutal because you make them like you, fall in love with you, a person who isn't able to reciprocate their feelings. And you end up hurting them, breaking them. 

This also points towards honesty. Being upfront and frank about what you want with another human being. Not leading them on and not hurting them. 

So, it looks like Shetty has given a lot to think. Remember that it is important to treat people nicely, with love and kindness. And don't lead someone else on, just because you don't know what you want. 

 "Don't make someone fall in love with you, if you don't know how to love them."

Mind Games

I no longer want to play your games, 
Messing with my mind and gambling with my feelings. 
For I no longer want to be in chains.

I refuse to play.
Be a pawn in your game.
Outcomes I no longer want to delay. 

Why do you play hide and seek?
Come, be honest and upfront.
Tell me, come out and speak.

I respect honesty.
Errors can be corrected 
But please, let me retain my sanity. 

Tough Choices

Some times you have to walk away from individuals important to you. 
Not because you don't care, but because they don't. 
Walking away can be a tough choice; 
A difficult one to make. 

Just because you decide to walk away, it doesn't mean you don't care,
To the contrary you do. 
That's what made you leave, because you want the best for everyone. 
Some walks like this can be altruistic, for their well-being. 

It's not easy walking away. 
As it doesn't mean you stop thinking or caring about them. 
You just learn to let them be free and carry on with their life. 
It's not easy, but they say time heals all wounds. 

Reality vs Illusion

You say you're busy?
That's good!
It shows you have a life
and that you are hardworking.

You say you haven't time?
I don't comprehend. 
We always have time.
We make time for what matters.

You don't care?
Thank you for showing me the reality;
For showing me your real nature. 
I will now move on, and go on my way. 

Was this an illusion?
I refuse to be blinded by it. 
I am letting myself absorb the reality,
And live in it; the real and the beautiful.

What is love?

What is love?
Some say it is about letting go,
Some, that it is about caring.
But I think, it's that fine balance in between.

What is love,
But to hold each other through,
Encouraging growth 
And wading through murky waters.

Love is to
Accept the other's flaws 
Yet, stand by their side,
So they are never alone.

Talking to each other; communicating
Goofing around and laughing, 
Enjoying each other,
That's love. 

Love is having faith.
In knowing that tomorrow brings their smile to you
And things will be okay.
Love is, just that; love. 

Mischief

He is mine to love,
Mine to miss,
He is mine to kiss as long as I wish.

He is mine to hug,
Mine to hold,
He is all mine to cuddle with. 

Every day as I wait

Every day as I wait, 
A little part of me dies.
Scared about the future, 
And unsure about this entire exercise. 

I walk around in circles,
And I could hear myself sigh.
I think about your last words,
And wonder whether I am high.

I let time pass me by
Not knowing what else to do.
I sit and stare, some times at us,
Because that's where I am with you. 

Yearning for You

My sleep is no longer restless,
I don't lie awake thinking.
I feel like I have slept a thousand hours,
And wake up clearly dreaming.

I yearn to hear your voice,
But I'm unable to call.
I put my dammed fears aside,
And think about your brown eyes.

I tell myself that this is the storm,
And I will find you on the other side.
My angels tell me to be patient,
Because I am learning in the meanwhile. 

A Week

What a lot a week can do,
For just last week, we were talking of the future, being all serious.
What a lot seven days can do,
For there was time to laugh, love, hug and be scared.

So much can change, be different
In a day, a week, a month or a year.
Who knows what tomorrow holds?
So I go forward, taking a leap of faith.

But I look back, and smile.
Because it entices you, and that, makes me happy.
I smile, looking forward as well.
Because I know that's where you will be, waiting for me. 

- Robes of a Muse

මටම කියා ආදරයක්

ම‌ෙ ල‌ෝක‌ෙ මට ආදරය කරන ක‌ෙන‌ෙක් ක‌ොහ‌ෙහරි ඇති,
ඒහ‌ෙම ව‌ෙන්න ඔන‌ෙ න‌ේද?
අපි ජීවිතය හුද‌ෙකලාව ග‌ෙවියයුතු නැහැ න‌ේද?
කවුරුහරි ක‌ොතනක හරි මට සිටීවි න‌ේද?

අද ඔබ සමග ඒ ආදරය ස‌ොයන්න බැරි වුවහ‌ොත්
මට ඒ ආදරය ඔබ‌ෙ‌න් න‌ොලැබුනහ‌ොත් මට ව‌ෙ‌න්ව‌ෙන්න ව‌ෙවි න‌ේද?
මට මටම කියා ආදරය කරන ක‌ෙන‌ෙක් ස‌ොයන්න අවසරයි න‌ේද?
ඔබ මාගැන වැරදියට වටහාගන්න‌ෙ නැහැ න‌ේද?

හුදකලා ජීවිතය මට හුරුයි, කැමතියි
නමුත් එය කා සමග හ‌ෝ බ‌ෙදාගන්න විඳින්න ඒත් කැමතියි.
ඉතින් මට අවසරයි, ඔබ‌ෙ‌ ආදරය මට න‌ොලැබ‌ෙන්න‌ේ නම් නික්ම යන්න.
අපි කවදා හ‌ෝ ක‌ොතැනක ‌හ‌ෝ නැවත හමුවනු නියතයි.

Time to Breathe

All those lies they uttered to me,
Have made my heart shrivel and freeze. 
All those times they hoodwinked me,
Have made me unable to breathe. 

Time has come for my heart to feel
But the key to the lock, seems forever lost to me. 
What must I do for these wounds to heal, 
For this yearning heart of mine to be free. 

What must I do, for years I have died,
Under the pretence and beautiful, sorry lies. 
A long road awaits me, with one hand to hold, 
But my heart seems to have missed, the new memo. 

I finally want to see more

Confusion strikes!
As I realise I am lost in his world.
The sites are familiar and comforting.
Yet, I don't know what to feel
Or how to feel.

I look around again.
I feel like I am lost. 
I find his familiar touch and I know I am okay.
Sometimes he feels like home.
But it is a scary feeling. 

The grass is green here,
And the sun shines warmly. 
I have seen rainbows and swarms of butterflies.
I know the gardens are watered and well-kept.
And I know for sure, this is where I want to be. 
Because I finally want to see more. 

About Time

How will you enjoy your time
if not by sharing with others?
How will you make memories
if some of them don't include people?

Tell me what your life will be,
if it's always to be lived in a cave?
Tell me what you want of a 'friend'
if you aren't ready to let them in?

Why is being busy, always your only thought?
Why is there no room for bonding or laughing with another?
Why must life seem like an effort?
Why is it that you are not ready to let a 'friend' in?