Thursday 12 September 2013

New phone

weeeeee!! So I got myself a new phone. It's like a birthday present cum because-I-needed-a-new-phone purchase. I must admit, it's a huge feel good factor. :) 

While at it, I got the sibling one as well. It's nice when I see him happy. :) Shared happiness. 

Anyway, I have a few things I need to sort out about it. I have to get the micro-SIM and the apps and all sorted. It's a touch phone, running on Windows OS and I am rather new to the whole experience. But I love it! Must get myself accustomed to some of the features during the weekend. Plus, I can't wait to get all those awesome applications I couldn't get on my current Blackberry. 

Selfish writing

Just read a post on Jillinthebox90's blog about appreciating the little things in writing and enjoying the goodness it brings from it. She also talks about the feeling of 'right' the writing brings. So I am going to take it a step further, and talk about writing for oneself. 

Back in the day, I would be really affected by what others have to say about what I write. I would find the comments, the criticism personal. I suppose it's fine to call myself a writer. I mean I have been engaging in it since -like- when I was 8 years or so. 

Anyway, there was a point in my writing career that I realised that I am not writing to please anyone. I am writing to please myself. The writing was to either express my happiness, sadness, grief or -or some other feeling- or to cope with a situation. 

Once I came to this realisation, it didn't matter what other people had to say about what I wrote. Let's be honest here, I realised, my writing was selfishly to please myself. :) If by an odd chance someone else likes it, it's a win! I don't lose out on writing for myself, and if another person likes it, it's a bonus feeling. :) 

Compliments on one's writing is a whole different mind game. Say for instant, you feel good about something you've written AND get like a lot of good comments on it, I suppose this is when I can safely say I am on cloud number nine, with a huge grin on my face! 

So next time, don't take it too hard if I don't react to your negative criticism on my writing, because now you know I write for myself! 

Of cockroaches and spiders

So I don't like these insects, specifically. 

Yesterday, I had to encounter both. Not the kind of day you want to have, trust me on this! During the day at work, there was a cockroach running about and finally hiding somewhere. Then at night - at home - a huge ass spider decided to invade my peace of mind. The mere thought of it makes my heart beat a few beats faster! 

I get really scared by these two types of insects. It's embarrassing sometimes when you are out and there's a cockroach running about and you are trying very hard not to scream and panic. It's more embarrassing when you're at work. Creating a scene about one’s fears to your colleagues is probably not the best way to get about doing things. However, it is refreshing to know that there are other colleagues who don't like these insects themselves. 

I have doing a bit of reading on these two types of fears and found that the 'fear of cockroaches' has recently been named Katsaridaphobia. Quite a mouthful I'd say. We know the fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. I guess when I read through the definitions of the phobias, I may not be phobic as such of the two, but I sure know I have a deep fear of the two types. For instance, I wouldn't not go on a trip just because there's a chance I'd come across a spider or cockroach. The traveler in me doesn't work like that. 

Don't know where I am going with this, but just wanted to share the thoughts. :) 

Here's hoping I don't encounter any cockroaches or spiders. Just thinking about those big nasty things creeps me out. I suppose I am more paranoid about how spider will fall on me or I'd reach to switch a light on and find a spider on the switch. I guess the spider's thing long legs creep me out the most. *shudder* 

World Suicide Prevention Day 2013

 
Today –September 10- is World Suicide Prevention Day. It is a day to create awareness about suicide. A day to bring suicide to people’s attention. A day to help those who are contemplating it. A day to help them overcome it.

Many countries have programmes to celebrate this day. Some are long term. Some are short term, very short term. It’s like there’s a lot of awareness via print and electronic advertisements on the day, but like all other things, it fades away once the day’s over. I’ve never seen a comprehensive plan in Sri Lanka which addresses mental health. I doubt I would ever come across one either.

I say this with experience.

Unlike other things that have a ‘special day’ of its own, things to do with mental health, don’t really go down well with most societies of the world, especially Sri Lanka. Suicide, depression, therapy etc are the elephants in the room no one wants to talk about, but know it’s there.

I say this, because I have been there.

I have been more than a little depressed since my teens and this has led me through some really dark times. So dark sometimes that I could not see the light or feel the warmth. I could not connect with people, my family or friends. I felt lost and alone. 

My only output for this was to write. I started using my writing, poetry as a method of catharsis to purge myself of these feelings. It does help, but not completely. Most of my friends who read my poems would ask me why my writing was so dark and cold in nature. I guess when I go back and read through them, they do come out as rather sinister. Sometimes, even the writing didn't help. All I would want to do is to curl up in a corner and wait. 

I won't deny that I haven't had suicidal thoughts. They have been more than a little frequent. So when I say I understand when someone's feeling depressed and suicidal, I really do mean it! People around me don't think I am the kind of person who's depressed or suicidal for that matter. When I spoke to doctors about it, they thought it was a joke. Some say, I am too rational to be suicidal. *sigh* If that's the professional advice they have to give, I really don't know where people are going to be! 

I say this, because I know there are many out there and among my friends who are depressed or having thoughts of suicide. People in general don't realise the gravity of it nor do those nearest and dearest to them.  

Anyway, what I want to say is, on a day like this, people should be made more aware of what an individual who is depressed or suicidal goes through. Make them empathise. 

Tuesday 10 September 2013

Being aware of life

Each death makes us more acutely aware of life; of everything around us. Another person’s death makes us realize the life we have. We tend to appreciate it more.

 
This year alone, two of my friends passed away. There are no words to describe the hollow feeling you get in that area near your heart. For me, it’s like an endless pit. I am devoid of all feeling. Numbness takes over and I go cold. Numb and cold. It’s probably the shock. The inability to grasp what has happened. Or it’s maybe that I am refusing to comprehend the situation. I mean who wants to understand the death of a friend-right?
 
It’s not only these two friends’ funerals I have had to attend this year. Parents and grandparents of friends, my own relatives have passed away as well. But it’s always the death of a young person that hits you the most. By young I mean youthful as well as a person who’s not ‘old’-as we consider it, to die. It’s the fact that you know there’s more to their life; that they have a lot more to see, do and accomplish.
 
The death of someone your age –sigh- is a killer. It simply sucks all life out of you. At times you feel like you’re doing them wrong by being happy and living like nothing’s happened; that they didn’t die. Then again you feel like you owe them your life to live to the fullest, because you know that’s what they’d wish for you.
 
 
Last Friday, a friend of mine passed away. I don’t know under what circumstances, but he did. It just happened to be the day I had planned to dine with my friends as I had celebrated my birthday earlier that week. Having read about his demise –which by the way was viral on social media and news sites- celebrating my birthday, was the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to go home, sit curled up in a corner and think. Think about everything and nothing. Think about what an awesome person he was and the fact that for his age, he has accomplished a lot. I just wanted to think.
 
I don’t think I have dealt with all this even now, four days later. Guess I have just hid the feelings somewhere, hoping it won’t pop up. I do this, knowing there’s a huge possibility that it will return. These feelings of being betrayed by the life of someone so young and promising cut short.

 
Sigh. I don’t know where I am going with this. Just that I am trying to pour out these dark feelings twirling within me. Dark feelings that I don’t want to have.

Friday 6 September 2013

RIP Ibrahim Mothana

 
I sit shocked. Unable to move, breathe or even understand, my friend Ibrahim Mothana's sudden death. I feel I have become a stone from within. I have definitely gone a few degrees colder, as I feel the room around me is like an ice land. 

 
I try not to panic. I think I am holding my breath in an attempt to not have a breakdown at work. :(
 
Things about this death-sudden at that- are unclear. He was only 24 years old. When I initially saw the news, I refused to believe it. Then as more friends spoke about it, I decided to find more details for myself. I Googled. I found to my horror that I was in denial for the past few hours, trying to block the horrifying thought that 'Ibu' as we fondly called him, has indeed left us for good. I came across a post by Afrah Nasser which mirrored what I am feeling right now. 

 
I honestly don't know what to believe. I don't. I am trying my head around how he died. The fact that he was very outspoken about the US involvement in Yemen is not consoling. He was vehemently against the US' use of drones in his country, Yemen. As an eloquent writer he would often express himself on why the use of drones was wrong.  Or that drones only served to promote terrorism
 
This is not how I remember Ibu. I met him three years back on a two month long youth programme called Ship for World Youth programme. We were on its 22nd edition, 22nd Ship for World Youth programme [SWY22]. I remember Ibu expressing himself on various topics, varying from the environment to children to education. He constantly drew examples from him mother country, Yemen. I remember him as a British Council Global Changemaker. I remember him telling me about the work he was doing with educating children in his country, on building libraries for them. 
 
I met him again, in New Delhi, India when he was there for another youth conference. I happened to be in the city on a training programme. I feel so relieved now that I went to meet him then, even though I was unfamiliar with the area. I guess you realise that every memory counts! 
 
Three years. It seems a short period to have known someone. Someone so great. He was so young and there was so much more for Ibu to do for Yemen and the world. He spoke for the voiceless. He dared -at a young age- to speak on things that others didn't. 
 
 
I want to end on a saying Ibu firmly believed in and practiced. 
Albert Pike: ‘What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal’.
 
I am sure, Ibrahim's family, friends and everyone who has crossed paths with him, will remember him in such great light, as a person who has done things for others. This memory will surely help us keep Ibrahim Mothana, immortal. 


 

Monday 2 September 2013

In a meh mood

I.am.feeling.meh! Apparently nothing seems to workout with me when it comes to guys. So I just want to scribble things.

I jinxed. This I say at the of sounding cuckoo. *sigh* But I swear, almost every guy I like or crush a little just vanishes from my life. It's scary and more than a little depressing. I honestly don't understand.

People tell me I am awesome to be around. My friends know and keep assuring me that I am worth the wait. But honestly, WTF?! I mean don't I get to enjoy life like other normal beings?

Or this is life's way of saying that these guys aren't the best for me? Thereby taking them away from me and keeping me here. I am too depressed to think any further. What's more to happen eh? :/ gah!