Being aware of life

Each death makes us more acutely aware of life; of everything around us. Another person’s death makes us realize the life we have. We tend to appreciate it more.

 

This year alone, two of my friends passed away. There are no words to describe the hollow feeling you get in that area near your heart. For me, it’s like an endless pit. I am devoid of all feeling. Numbness takes over and I go cold. Numb and cold. It’s probably the shock. The inability to grasp what has happened. Or it’s maybe that I am refusing to comprehend the situation. I mean who wants to understand the death of a friend-right?
 

It’s not only these two friends’ funerals I have had to attend this year. Parents and grandparents of friends, my own relatives have passed away as well. But it’s always the death of a young person that hits you the most. By young I mean youthful as well as a person who’s not ‘old’-as we consider it, to die. It’s the fact that you know there’s more to their life; that they have a lot more to see, do and accomplish.
 

The death of someone your age –sigh- is a killer. It simply sucks all life out of you. At times you feel like you’re doing them wrong by being happy and living like nothing’s happened; that they didn’t die. Then again you feel like you owe them your life to live to the fullest, because you know that’s what they’d wish for you.
 

 

Last Friday, a friend of mine passed away. I don’t know under what circumstances, but he did. It just happened to be the day I had planned to dine with my friends as I had celebrated my birthday earlier that week. Having read about his demise –which by the way was viral on social media and news sites- celebrating my birthday, was the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to go home, sit curled up in a corner and think. Think about everything and nothing. Think about what an awesome person he was and the fact that for his age, he has accomplished a lot. I just wanted to think.
 

I don’t think I have dealt with all this even now, four days later. Guess I have just hid the feelings somewhere, hoping it won’t pop up. I do this, knowing there’s a huge possibility that it will return. These feelings of being betrayed by the life of someone so young and promising cut short.

 

Sigh. I don’t know where I am going with this. Just that I am trying to pour out these dark feelings twirling within me. Dark feelings that I don’t want to have.